Understanding Childhood Trauma
There is no such thing as an uneventful childhood; no such thing as an upbringing without at least one wounding experience...
The term "ACE" is well-known among qualified therapists and stands for "Adverse Childhood Experiences". The study, conducted by the CDC and Kaiser Permanente in California in the 1990s, evaluated ten types of childhood traumas, including physical and emotional abuse, neglect, and experiences related to family members, such as a parent with a mental illness or alcohol abuse. Each traumatic event is counted as one point, with a person's ACE score being the total number of traumas they experienced.
The ACE study involved 17,000 participants and showed that the majority (two-thirds) had suffered at least one adverse childhood experience, which had long-lasting impacts on their physical, social, emotional, and health well-being. In other words, what happened to them would stay with them in some way.
‘Subtle’ childhood trauma:
The shame and destructive patterns we exhibit in adulthood are often caused by seemingly "supportive" childhood environments. However, these challenges are more complex and nuanced than we realise.
We tend to associate difficult childhoods with extreme forms of abuse and neglect, but neglect or ignoring can be just as painful. These experiences may have been subtle, such as a lack of affection, disinterest, prioritising work over attention, setting high standards, abandonment, emotional shut-off, or shaming of emotions.
Even if our parents tried their best, these childhood experiences hold validity and can leave a lasting impact. It is important to acknowledge and process them.
The trauma isn’t necessarily the thing that happens, or in the cases of inaction, doesn’t happen, but it is what happens inside of you as a result of these traumatic events.
Trauma is that you become disconnected from your emotions, intuition and from your body.
Trauma is having difficulty being in the present moment.
It is developing a negative view of your body and a negative view of the world.
It is not knowing what you need, like or want.
It is losing your sense of self.
It is developing a defensive view of people.
It is people-pleasing in order to feel seen.
It is drinking or doing drugs to regulate emotions that went unregulated and unsupported.
It is mistrusting others, pushing them away, avoiding close relationships.
It is being terrified of rejection and uncomfortable showing affection.
The more time we spend denying or avoiding the reality of these experiences, the more of a hard time we have understanding our behaviour.
The more we can look at our childhoods with care, compassion and curiosity, the less likely we are to unconsciously rely on maladaptive patterns or ways of coping when we face challenges in adult life.
The more we can get in touch with our sensations and the feelings in our body (our breath, the tension we carry, any heat we feel), the more we can get in touch with and release what we carry with us from our past. From here, we can take more control. From here, we can lessen the negative impact our childhoods have on our adult relationships, especially our relationship with our own children, our intimate partners and ourselves.